The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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