six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
