i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Randomize
