I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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