at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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