Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
