his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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