that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
