You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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