No more Irish car bombs ever.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
