he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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