guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
