my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
