If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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