New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
