So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
