Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
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