Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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