I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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