Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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