I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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