im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
