He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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