If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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