I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
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I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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