You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
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His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
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I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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