does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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