It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
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he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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