remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
