I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
