This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
