I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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