At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
