I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
