I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
