i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
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