I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I said "one day" and that day is not today
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
