I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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