So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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