i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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