I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
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