we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
