just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
