I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
you made out with another girl for some wings
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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