pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
