My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
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