I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
