i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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