Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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