i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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