I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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