So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
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