True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
