Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
