I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
