"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
