Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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