she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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