Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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