I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
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This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
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Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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