I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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