if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Randomize
