I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
