I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Randomize
