one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
