Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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